This episode is called Rio 12: Return of the Leprosy.

Episode 12

A story of gambling…and porn. Adapted and improved for Paper Flower by mefloraine hirasawa (the all-lowercase-ness is an important part of her name) and Raph Fail (of Borderline Hikikomori).

This episode opens with Ze Pimp uselessly not calling out Goldschmidt (AKA the bad guy) for cheating in Rio’s last match. Also, Rio is dying. (Actually, that was just what we dreamed last night. It was a nice night.)

-SUDDENLY BEACH EPISODE + HOT SPRINGS EPISODE ROLLED INTO ONE-

At least we get the most meaningful conversation in Rio in this episode.

“You must obey hot springs etiquette. Rinse yourself before entering the bath! There are things like hot springs ping pong.”

“What are you talking about? Hot springs ping pong is my country’s national sport.”

The boys play ping pong out in some sort of lobby area, as expected. For the girls…ping pong is played inside the bath.

At least Rio loses her clothing.

Oh, apparently the hot spring island is Rio’s childhood vacation home, and her has an elderly biffle (BFFL -> best friend for life) here. Rio returns to her vacation home and conjures up all sorts of fond memories, even though she actually only visited this place once before.

But at the same time, our loli companion gets lost in the woods, falls down a hill, and dies! (Without the dying.) Since the fall didn’t take her, a bear comes to finish her off. As our loli’s life passes before her eyes (a surprisingly long period of time), Rina appears and wards the bear off by hugging our loli companion! And exposing the bear to LSD. Such strength!

Our loli companion passes away out anyway.

Then Rina and Ze Pimp have a heart-to-heart, and apparently Rio’s mother never wronged Rina at all. Why does Rio now seem like a B movie of the soap opera world? It needs so much more drama, tch.

Rina responds…”I realized that long ago. But if I accept that, I won’t be myself anymore.” All Rina could live for was revenge. Sad music plays. Rina vows to defeat Rio. And the scene fades out…

…to open again with Rio and our loli companion in bed together. At least Rio has found a new lover, though they look like the same person anyway. Apparently self-cest is considered pretty trendy these days.

Then Ze Pimp repeats the exact same thing we already heard to Rio. Aaaaand then it’s showdown time.

"I don't mind," Rina says. "She seems trustworthy." Does she see the scythe?

The girls are battling for the title of MVCD (what is that, most valuable card dealer?), but mef has to wonder: how can they do this? Getting all 13 gates is the way to be emmuveeceedee (TL note: MVCD), but shouldn’t they at least have to battle Risa Rorinsu? Come on, Rio, where is the action?! (Not that kind of action, you have enough of that.)

Lightning strikes. The armed joker deals. Rina starts her LSD (seriously this time…cards turn into lizards).

It is time…for poker.

Rina’s roll ruler is stronger, winning her two matches in a row! But with 13 left, can Rio pull out? We’ll find out next time in the epic finale of Rio – Rainbow Gate.

Episode 13

…hi, it’s next time.

This segment begins with dark, pounding music. Drums beat like the beat of Rina and Rio’s hearts as they face off to defeat each’s former lover. Rio loses 13 matches within the first three minutes of the episode.

Suddenly, from across the room, Ze Pimp cries out!

“Rio, don’t tell me you are losing on purpose?! Please do your best for me!”

“What,” Rina shouts, “how much more do you intend to mock me?!”

No, Rio says, she always gives it her best, and she intends not to lose!

-SUDDENLY SCENES OF ALL THE OLD ENEMIES SAYING RANDOM THINGS-

Then the gate cards start glowing. They contain technology from lost civilizations. They are OOPARTS (mef wants to know what the hell an OOPART is; Raph pretends to know what one is), and no one knows how they were made. The gates await the birth of their new owner.

We can’t make this stuff up. This is real.

… We wish we could make this stuff up. Apparently then we’d have careers!

The drugs take Rina, Rio, and the joker inside Rio[‘s roll ruler], and the joker reveals itself to be Risa Rorinsu!

“The casino guild tried to use me for evil. I had to protect you. That’s why I had to disappear so that your powers couldn’t awaken.” Not that she came back when that strategy failed.

And why is good luck a bad thing? Can’t you just luck out of the bad things? But ah well, it’s not as though Rio will ever answer these pressing questions!

Then Rina confesses her love to Rio because secrets cannot be kept while inside of Rio[‘s roll ruler]. But she also hates her. Oh, and her mother’s name is iRina, the next generation of Apple technology.

Also, she doesn’t actually blame Rio for her mother’s death and actually has no motivation except WINNING. For the sake of winning, of course.

Rio confesses that she fights to reclaim her beloved Rina. Rina declares it is the final battle. And then, with even less suspense than there is in this tiny paragraph, Rio wins the match.

Then there is some talking, and the gate cards start to glow.

Is this a commercial for air freshener? No...deodorant.

“Anyone who passes through the gate gains the power to grant all wishes.” And thus, Rio – Rainbow Gate was the cause of Kyuubey’s existence.

Rio even gets a naked transformation sequence into a magical girl Kyuubey the emmuveeceeweed (TL note: MVCD).

Then the SWAT team comes and arrests them all for drug abuse. Errrr, we mean the casino guild appears and shoots the place up. Well, they fire one bullet.

Anyway, they want to capture Kyuubey Rio. (But Rio is protected by deodorant.)

“Put those dangerous things away,” shouts the gag character after running into the room and slicing through all of the casino guild’s clothing with a sword. “The casino guild exists for righteous casinos.”

-AND THEN THE OZONE LAYER KILLED THINGS-

The power of ~Rio~ causes people to find their cats and some poorly-animated lovers to be reunited. Fisherman haul in a catch larger than their boat, and civil war ends in the middle east. (You can tell it is here because of ~stereotypical clothing~ and ~turbans~.) The stock market grows, an egg contains two yolks, and everyone becomes LUCKY.

Even though no time at all has passes, newspapers release articles on the weird streak of good luck. And “In other words,” the news reports, “someone took control and created this good luck.” Because that is obviously normal. You’d assume that first too, right?

By the way, as all this happens, the OP is playing in the background.

-BACK TO RIO-

The gag character makes a speech, turns out to be a police officer with the casino guild, and then all of the other members of the casino guild suddenly turn back and walk out. And Ze Pimp gets all the money. Then Rio comes back, our loli companion hugs her, and the show ends with a sunset and a rainbow.

<place reserved for Raph to type THE END>

<Raph decided to type this instead>

Oh, by the way, there’s a sequel hint.

I was going to say something serious about Rio here after this post, but now that I have finished this episode…I have nothing to say. Kyuubey Rio sucked it out of me.

Thank you, Rio, for ending as such a troll. You truly are a terribad anime.

-mef

 

(6:33:47 PM) raph: i read ‘nothing is absolute in the casino world’
(6:33:52 PM) raph: as ‘nothing is abusive in the casino world’
(6:33:57 PM) raph: and i was all THAT’S A FUCKING LIE
(6:33:57 PM) mefloraine: everything is abusive.

 

Bye, Rio.